Bidets and Malays

One thing I have had trouble getting used to in Malaysia is the toilets, particularly the lack of loo roll that is a prevailing trend amongst them.

You see, toilets have hoses or bidet-type functions (or if you're really lucky; a bucket of water and plastic pan to "splash" yourself with) rather than loo roll and most public toilets have a big roll outside the cubicles by the sinks for you to collect on the way in (which I don't like as then, not only can people see how much you are taking and thus what you are planning on doing in the loo, but if you don't take enough you can't have anymore without leaving the cubicle and having to re-queue - awkward!).

Now I am a bit of a hygiene freak and to me, this not only seems gross (because you are spraying loo water onto your downstairs) but kind of pointless because you'll have to wipe your bum dry anyway! Why make it wetter? I am just one of those people who doesn't like to spray water up my bum!

BUT seeing as they are the norm in Malaysia and I am here to experience new cultures and broaden my views I decided that, while I was here, I would give it a go.

Yesterday in Kuala Lumpur the opportunity arose when the public toilet I entered looked like this:

Now naturally, my inner nerd awoke at the site of the CONTROL PANEL (!!!) and I was pretty in awe of this toilet when the thought popped into my mind that if ever I were to enjoy spraying water up my bum the chances were high that it would be on this toilet! So I looked at the instructions:

Being the Bidet Beginner I decided that, though I had only done a pee, going straight for a Feminine Wash might come as a bit of a shock so I would break myself in "gently" with an Anal Wash.

I pressed the Anal Wash button and braced myself. 

Nothing happened for a second though so I looked down through my legs at the metal spout where it looked like the water would come out. Then I heard a robotic extension-y noise and jumped up, a little scared, from the seat. A little "arm" was sliding out from under the back of the seat! All of a sudden there was water everywhere! It had an arc-like projectile from the end of the spout which happened to be aligned with my left cheek (face cheek that is), most of my hair, the left side of my body and the cubicle door handle. Everything got covered in loo water. Apparently someone had left it on high pressure settings.

Well then not only did I have to fight through the jet of toilet water being sprayed in my face, the Air Dryer setting didn't work so I dripped with loo water for the next half hour! And when I was finally ready to leave I opened the door only to find a flock of chinese women encircling my cubicle. I think they might have thought I was having a fit.

Verdict: I'll stick to loo roll.

BTW this is what the door looked like after I was done with it: