I'm not scared of spiders. I don't mind spiders at all, in themselves, when observed as a small, stationary insect or on the TV. The reason I don't entirely like them though, is because they move quickly, very quickly. More quickly than I can jump onto the nearest object not attached to the floor, because spiders obviously cannot ascend verticle sofa arms or furniture legs.
Which is an issue because I don't speak spider and so I can't tell it not to run up my trouser legs or into my ear or up my nose or down my shirt.
My most recent spider encounter has inspired me to share some spidery stories with you....
Today:
It had a bigger body than any I've ever seen in England. I thought it was dead so I folded up a bit of loo roll and got into "pinching position" but, just to be sure, I blew at the spider. Lo and behold IT WAS ALIVE! I reeled backwards, screeching as it scrabbled at the wall (
the image above is an accurate reconstructed photograph of my behaviour at this moment).
The spider has now disappeared.
Tioman:
I was fixing a broken toilet with another girl. We were being tough and manly and sucking it up when what should run across the tops of our feet? A puppy! Just kidding. A tropical, brown HANDSPAN-IN-DIAMETER-SIZED SPIDER - causing screaming, hopping and flapping hands on all parts, even from those not in the room *cough-Mia-cough-Bethany-cough* - which proceeded to hide behind our mirror and then in our ceiling. I didn't need to sleep that night anyway...
Although imagine what would have happened if the toilet was working...
Malaysian cockroaches:
We had just moved in. We were unsuspecting, innocent exchange students excitedly unpacking our stuff when all of a sudden TWO cockroaches scuttled across the floor in front of us! Cue three screaming, flying girls, leaping for the safety of the bed against the wall on the far side of the room.
Luckily though that was in Mia's room so I actually slept very well that night.
I was filming this so, for your entertainment, here is what I looked like when we found the second one:
Madagascar tent:
There were holes in my mosquito net.
I was so thoroughly nestled into my sleeping bag that only my eyes were exposed. The insects, spiders and godknowswhats marching one by one over the mesh, searching for the weaknesses in my white safety net, and, one by one, they were finding them.
It was like that scene at the end of I, Robot where all the evil robots are crawling through the hole in the ceiling.
Except that those bastards didn't account for me and my sewing kit.
SUCK ON THAT INSECT BITCHES! NO MALARIA FOR ME!!!!